What Are We Striving for?: A Fresh Look at Perfectionism and Ambition
“God would never inspire me with desires which cannot be realized; so in spite of my littleness, I can hope to be a saint” (St. Thèrése of Lisieux).
Someone recently asked me if I was ambitious. I had to stop and think about it! My answer? “Yes … with an asterisk.”
I’m not ambitious in a hustle and grind and climb the ladder kind of way. I never wanted to have the corner office of a big corporation. I have big goals, though—goals for my business, goals for my work, goals for my family, and goals for my personal and spiritual life. I also strive for perfection, for better or worse. Do those goals make me ambitious?
Three new books examine these questions—in three very different ways—and made me rethink the way I thought about both perfectionism and ambition: “All the Gold Stars: Reimagining Ambition and the Ways We Strive,” by Rainesford Stauffer; “The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control: A Path to Peace and Power,” by Katherine Morgan Schafler, LMHC; and “The Perfection Trap: Embracing the Power of Good Enough,” by Dr. Thomas Curran, Ph.D.
Is Perfectionism Good or Bad?
I’ve written previously about perfectionism and the realization that my perfectionism is rooted in pride. It’s also true that perfectionism can be damaging to your mental health—even, as Curran writes, contributing to anxiety and mood disorders. I was dubious, therefore, at Morgan Schafler’s claim that it’s possible to claim perfectionism as a strength.
However, when I returned to her book after reading Curran’s much more pessimistic book, I found myself more inspired. She and Curran both base their books on research and their own experience (Morgan Schafler also uses many anecdotes from her experience as a counselor). However, Morgan Schafler points to research that differentiates between adaptive and maladaptive perfectionism, which Curran dismisses.
It seems to me that the main difference between the two approaches is that Morgan Schafler’s goal is to help people leave behind maladaptive perfectionist thought patterns and behaviors while embracing their ambition and dedication to self-improvement. Curran, on the other hand, sees in perfectionism only an unhealthy hustle and comparison to others.
I’m sympathetic to Curran’s point; after all, I have suffered a great deal from social anxiety disorder—an extreme form of what he would describe as “socially prescribed perfectionism” and what Morgan Schafler might describe as maladaptive Parisian perfectionism. (She categorizes perfectionism into five types). However, his solutions are acceptance and a complete overhaul of society and the economy that I believe is implausible—which leaves the reader wondering if they can actually improve their mental health at all.
Morgan Schafler, on the other hand, offers a lot of great advice on how to live a more integrated life—to embrace your ambition and dedication to self-improvement while letting go of unrealistic expectations and the need to compare yourself to others. Her book is also specifically aimed at women, meaning that, as she writes, “the goal is not to be treated like men, and she writes in the context of women’s particular gifts and challenges. (“Balance remains one step ahead, the ever-elusive prize of female modernity,” she writes toward the beginning.)
Cultivating Humble Ambition
“Curtailing your power and presence is not a reflection of modesty, humility, or anything of the sort,” Morgan Schafler writes. “Leading with your strengths while also recognizing that every human being has a talent for something—that’s what modesty is. Understanding that whatever it is that you want to accomplish or whomever it is that you want to become, you need so much help and collaboration from other people [I would add “and God”] to get you there—what’s what humility is.”
Overcoming maladaptive perfectionism requires humility and surrender, as Morgan Schafler points out (she says we must surrender to “some other force,” which of course as Catholics we would identify as God). We must cultivate humble ambition in order to live as integrated, healthy human beings.
Both Morgan Schafler and Curran talk about ambition in their books; it’s natural for it to come up in a discussion of perfectionism. Both believe that we can be healthy people and still be ambitious. Curran writes:
We can be ambitious, and we absolutely can commit ourselves to doing great things. There’s absolutely no problem with striving. But the focus should be on striving … for the very flow of the experience itself and for what that experience leaves in the world, not worrying about the outcomes or other people’s approval, not fretting about what can be learned, how we might ‘fail better,’ or whether we ‘made it’ (or didn’t ‘make it’ at all).
What does this kind of ambition look like? Rainesford Stauffer examines this question in her book and sums it up toward the end:
If we think of ambition as an opportunity to invest energy, effort, and imagination into what we value, then it’s hard to fathom a list more foundational to how we move through the world, more robust in how it molds and shapes us, and more aspirational than [love, care, community family].
Stauffer adds that we should replace self-reliance with reliance on community: “The most ambitious thing we can do is care for each other.”
What is it that we should be ambitious for? All of us should have the ambition to be a saint—that is the primary vocation of every Christian. Beyond that, we may have ambitions within a vocation as wife and mother, within our call to business, and even in terms of leisure. Stauffer discusses the latter in her book.
Ultimately, understanding our ambitions and eliminating maladaptive perfectionism requires humility. It requires discernment and surrender to God’s will. And it requires a reliance on the people God has placed in our life.
What are your ambitions? How are you integrating them into your life in a healthy way? How are you surrendering your ambitions to God’s will? Join the conversation in our Facebook group, or tag us on social media!
Taryn DeLong is a Catholic wife and mother in North Carolina who serves as co-president and editor-in-chief of Catholic Women in Business. Her writing has appeared in publications such as FemCatholic, Natural Womanhood, CatholicMom.com, Radiant Magazine, and Live Today Well Co. She enjoys curling up with a cup of Earl Grey and a good novel, playing the piano, and taking walks in the sunshine with her family. Connect with Taryn: Twitter • Instagram • Facebook • LinkedIn • Blog • Substack