Leaning out of the Box and Into Your Story
“How monotonously alike all the great tyrants and conquerors have been: how gloriously different are the saints” (C.S. Lewis, “Mere Christianity”).
Lately, in prayer, I keep finding myself crawling back into The Box.
I think I’ve done it all my life: I find a “box” that I like and forcefully try to put myself inside it. The Box usually manifests itself in the peers I’m trying to befriend, books I’m reading, people or ideas I’m judging, clothes I’m wearing, and/or my overall perception of life.
I have found The Box never to be my friend. Rather, it pulls me further away from my authentic self.
The Box is an alluring temptation for those of us who compare ourselves to our peers, especially how we feel we size up to the women in our circles. Rarely are we challenged to lean into our own stories. Instead, we are expected to assimilate to the cultural norm.
Between my social and professional life, I have not found many Catholics who beat to my same drum. I’m not particularly attached to my biological clock. I have every intent of climbing as high as I can on the corporate ladder. Meanwhile, my husband and I scuffle with the side-eyes that come with the silent cross of infertility.
This way of life is still new for me. I can’t count how many times I’ve wished for another’s story. I’ve prayed, begging God to just “give me one child and I’ll shut up.” Sometimes, I’ve even prayed that I never converted to the Catholic Church in the first place: “It was easier before You brought me here.
I can clearly see the simple obedience lived out by my friends and colleagues, far better than I can pinpoint my own. I notice I am more appreciative of the stories written through my friends than I am of my own story. It almost seems as if I have fallen ill to imposter syndrome, a feeling of inadequacy despite clear success in my life.
How many of us are walking around with this imposter syndrome? How do we lean into our own story?
Start With Reflective Prayer
When the current of society pushes us toward The Box, we tend to leave our own flames behind. To step away from the box, we must open our heart and allow God to reveal to us the dreams we’ve buried or passions we have subdued.
I found through my own reflective prayer that God has given me a gift to serve others in a way that many families cannot. I am in a chapter of life when I can dive into loving others well, and in a radical way, through my surplus of free time. I can tangibly see where God is allocating my time, talent, and treasure.
Through this openness, I have also found where I feel most called to serve in the world. My husband and I are now orienting our service toward the local community, with an intentional focus on the corporal works of mercy.
Embrace Authenticity
Our stories must be told. In software, if a certain line of code is omitted or input incorrectly, the whole program breaks. Our stories, as God has written them, are the perfect lines of code for salvation history.
Like our Blessed Mother, we don’t need to know every chapter ahead. We can even wrestle with the story we’ve been given, as Mary did in the Annunciation. Still, our “yes” puts in motion the resounding “yes” of others who are watching our example.
With this kind of impact on the world around us, it is our greatest adventure to learn about ourselves and to love ourselves deeply — and our weaknesses all the more. “Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ, for when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Chorinthians 12:10).
Embracing Holy Inspiration
St. Padre Pio, a Catholic mystic known for his spiritual gifts in the sacrament of reconciliation, wrote about the “spiritual wound” to his heart that allowed him to share with Jesus a “mystical wound of love.” He described this wound as a “fire-tipped spear” that seemed to penetrate his heart, and he went the rest of his life feeling this deep fire of love in his soul.
Many of us are not mystics, but we can all follow the very same fire, which burns within us. In Acts 2:3-4, it is written, “Then there appeared to them tongues as of fire … and they were all filled with the holy Spirit.”
As members of the Baptized, we each have a fire that burns with passion, or holy inspiration, when we are living as God has created us to live. We see it most tangibly through our vocation but also through our careers; our extracurricular pursuits; and the small, simple tasks that we find of value.
I have seen the fruit that comes when I lean into my own story. It is a simple, yet heroic, story set in motion by God. My responsibility has only been to say “yes” and let Him write it.
At the end of the day, I have always found that I am happier for it.
Mindy Edgington is a fiery, Midwestern Catholic convert from St. Louis, Missouri. She currently lives in Omaha, NE with her husband and their hound dog while he pursues law school at Creighton University. By day, Mindy works as a senior security engineer in third party risk management for a Fortune 300 health care system. She also regularly volunteers with the Catholic Charities Immigration Office in town. Her hobbies include: "strong drinks and hard conversations,” writing, hiking, and reading in her local coffee shops and bars (in typical extrovert fashion). You can follow her on Instagram @mindy.edgington.