How Humility and Surrender Can Overcome Perfectionism
“I want to become a saint; it will not be easy at all. I have a lot of wood to chop and it is as hard as stone. I should have started sooner, while it was not so difficult; but in any case ‘better late than never’” (St. Zélie Martin).
For Christmas last year, during the second trimester of my first pregnancy, I received “Good Enough Is Good Enough: Confessions of an Imperfect Catholic Mom.” It was about Colleen Duggan’s efforts to let go of her need to be in control and strive for perfectionism as a mother.
“OK,” I thought. “I know I’m not perfect, but, hey! My first book about being a mom.” I read it in just a couple of days; it was an enjoyable read with great stories, and I did take away a few good tidbits to store for later.
I may need to reread the book. “Later” came six months after Christmas, when my daughter was born and I came face to face with the realization that I am, in fact, a perfectionist.
The Pride of Perfectionism
My husband tells me that everyone who knows me knows that I am a perfectionist. He was shocked that I was surprised to discover that I expect perfection from myself and beat myself up when I inevitably don’t achieve it. I have social anxiety disorder, which, in some ways, is perfectionism taken to clinical extremes—but I hadn’t recognized perfectionism until it reared its ugly head postpartum.
As I’ve continued to struggle with my own expectations of myself as a mother, I’ve seen how perfectionism has followed me throughout my life. I was always a high achiever, and I came to expect success from myself—and avoid activities that I didn’t think I would succeed in.
There are several problems with this approach to life, including the stress of constantly trying to be perfect (and then disappointing myself) and the fact that I may miss out on learning new things from a fear of failure. But there’s a spiritual component, as well. Recently, I’ve come to realize that perfectionism is a symptom of pride. When I expect myself to be perfect, I’m making the assumption that I can be perfect—that I can achieve something without the help of God. The Catholic Encyclopedia defines pride as “the excessive love of one’s own excellence,” and with this definition, it’s easy to see how perfectionism is rooted in this sin.
Surrendering to Real Perfection
Becoming a mother will teach you that perfection is unattainable. The physical demands of pregnancy forced me to rely more on my husband, but it was all of the fears and anxieties and mistakes that come with being a mother that have helped me learn to surrender to God.
You don’t have to be a mother to suffer from perfectionism or to surrender it to God, though. As businesswomen, many of us struggle with perfectionism in our work. It’s natural; we care a lot about what we do, so we want to do it well. But when we forget that everything we do is by the grace of God and using talents that he gave us, our desire to do good work tips into perfectionism. I’m convinced that humility is the answer to perfectionism, so with that context in mind, here are a few tips to help you surrender to God:
Change Your Mindset
Shani Harmon, co-founder of Stop Meeting Like This, makes three recommendations in a Fast Company article:
Focus your “A+ effort” only on what matters most, rather than operating from an “everything matters” mindset.
Celebrate small wins, not just outcomes. (Harmon notes it’s also important for leaders to celebrate more than just outcomes in order to prevent the creation of a perfectionist culture—also good advice for parents!)
Free yourself from the expectation that you have to do it all by refocusing on doing what you can do.
We can’t have it all in this life, and we can’t do anything perfectly. By focusing our efforts on the important tasks and striving to do them well, not perfectly, we can change our mindset from perfectionism to humble achievement.
Pray the Litany of Humility
When I first prayed the Litany of Humility, I was surprised at how much it appeared to be a litany of freedom from anxiety—or a litany of freedom from perfectionism. As I learned more about perfectionism and its connection to pride, however, it made more sense.
The Litany of Humility is challenging, not only because of the “Lean In” culture we live in but simply because the roots of pride can grow so deep in our heart. I am always a bit afraid to pray this Litany (after all, I don’t want to decrease!)—but that’s probably a sign that I need to pray it more often. Try praying it, and if you feel any resistance … pray it again!
Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
Psychology Today’s page on perfectionism states that “letting go of the comparison mindset can help people achieve at a high level, without being beholden to some impossibly perfect ideal.” Recommended strategies include mindfulness and staying present in the moment, practicing “compassionate self-talk,” and “challenging negative self-judgments.” For me, staying present can help a lot. My daughter certainly does not expect perfection from me; seeing her smiling face and playing with her reminds me that all she wants from me is my love. I’m also working on compassionate self-talk; would I talk to another woman the way I talk to myself? Would I tell her that she was a bad mother for [fill in the blank with impossible expectation here]?
The Catholic key to letting go of comparison is our understanding that each person is uniquely made in God’s image and called to a unique path to holiness. While it’s easier said than done, remembering this truth can remind you that trying to be like or better than someone else is actively working against God’s specific plan for you.
Catholic speaker and writer Emily Wilson has been writing a series of Instagram posts called “If the Screwtape Letters were for women in 2021.” Modeled after C.S. Lewis’ “The Screwtape Letters,” they are an imagined series of letters from a senior demon to a younger demon on how to bring women down. In part 2, she writes:
“If competition and comparison is at the forefront of everything for her, she will surely find some woman she thinks is doing better in every arena, and she will grow insecure. This is the first step on a slippery slope to self-hatred.”
Create Reminders
For me, the most helpful strategy in working against my perfectionism is to continuously remind myself that I need to humble myself to surrender to God’s will. When I feel desperate to be perfect, I comfort myself by remembering that God is in charge, and I surrender my motherhood to him.
Put a sticky note next to your computer, add a reminder on your phone, or write a note in your planner that will remind you to surrender to God. Practice makes perfect, and it’s all about repetition. The more we surrender, the less we will seek unattainable perfection, and the more we will come to rely on God.
In her biography of Saints Louis and Zélie Martin (parents of St. Thérèse of Lisieux), Annette Goulden, O.C.D.S., writes:
“If Louis and Zélie had their own ideas of perfection, these were gradually stripped away. With the arrival of children, their calm, well-ordered life was buffeted by heights of joy and depths of despair, as these ordinary parents discovered their own inadequacies and helplessness in the face of adversity. The more they felt a failure, the more they turned to God in blind faith. Their self-competence was transformed to total abandonment to God’s love.”
Whether or not you are a parent, you’ve no doubt experienced that feeling of being a failure. But the more you “turn to God in blind faith” in those moments, surrendering to him rather than seeking your own perfection, the more you will abandon yourself to his love … and—who knows?—become a saint, too.
Taryn Oesch DeLong is a wife and mother in Raleigh, NC. In between changing diapers, reading stories, and singing lullabies, she is also a freelance editor and writer. Passionate about supporting women in work, in life, and in health, she is the managing editor of Catholic Women in Business; a contributor at Natural Womanhood, CatholicMom.com, and Live Today Well Co.; and a fertility awareness advocate and FEMM instructor. In her free time, Taryn enjoys relaxing with a cup of Earl Grey and a Jane Austen novel. She also volunteers with the pro-life ministry at her parish and plays the piano and the flute. Taryn’s favorite saints are Sts. Joseph, Zélie, Thérèse, and Teresa of Calcutta. Follow Taryn on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn, or read her blog, Everyday Roses.