Aggressive or Assertive? Lessons From the Women of the Gospels
“Nothing great is ever achieved without much enduring” ( St. Catherine of Siena).
The past few weeks, I’ve been labeled “aggressive” more than once. Maybe it’s because I speak in a direct, confident manner or because I share my opinion without hesitation, or maybe it’s because I have big ambitions for my life.
Growing up influenced by 2000s feminist culture, I’ve been conditioned to immediately jump to the conclusion that I am a victim of gender bias. In this common scenario, people might perceive a man as confident, assertive, and straightforward, whereas a woman with similar qualities would be labeled as bossy, rude, and aggressive.
While in many cases, this bias does occur (and it has happened to me more times than I can count), I’ve taken a step backward this time to analyze my actions. The combatant third-wave feminist I identified with in my early college days would laugh, but I’ve realized that to grow as a professional and as a person, I need to listen to and absorb feedback before I spit it out in flames.
The main difference between aggressive and assertive behavior is a key component of effective communication: listening. While aggressive communication dismisses other people, assertive behavior expresses personal opinions without excluding the opinions of others.
In work, social situations, and one-on-one relationships, the last thing I want to be known as is a person who excludes in order to get ahead. In fact, this person is the antithesis to who I want to be and what I believe as a Catholic woman in business.
At this point, I can’t say whether gender bias is fogging people’s interpretation of my personality. However, just by sitting with the comment a little longer, I’ve been able to take this issue to prayer and try to see the truth from the perspective of the One who created me.
“Aggressive Women” in the Gospels
In Pope John Paul II’s Letter to Women, after he thanks and highlights the various roles of women, he acknowledges how women have been pushed to the margins of society and argues that “this has prevented women from truly being themselves, and it has resulted in a spiritual impoverishment of humanity.”
Throughout my faith journey, I’ve looked at the Gospels as Jesus’ love letter and liberation for women. In every encounter Jesus has with women, he uplifts them. Women become disciples, finance his ministry, and help spread the Gospel. In all these activities, God did not limit women to simple, subdued personalities.
Just think of Mary, the Mother of God, urging Jesus to start his ministry at the wedding of Cana; or the Syrophoenician woman who begs Jesus for scraps and convinces him to heal her daughter; or Martha, who tells Jesus how she feels without hesitation; or the women who stayed bravely at the foot of Jesus’ cross, when all but one apostle fled.
These stories, among others in the Bible, make me wonder: Were these women dismissed as aggressive, out of line, bossy, or mean? Or did Jesus see them as confident, bold, strong, and persistent? Were these women approaching the world and God in an overzealous and selfish way or as true (albeit sinful) versions of themselves? In both cases, I would argue the latter.
A Call to Humble Boldness
The stories of the women in the Gospels (and the lives of many admirable female saints) embolden me to continue to speak, walk, and live in the assurance of my abilities, gifts, and endowment from God — yet, it can’t stop there. I am not protected from falling victim to sin, bulldozing others, or elevating myself to a pretentious state. Jesus loved the women of the Gospel, but he also corrected them when needed.
So, how does one walk with confidence like the historical women of the Church, deal with gender bias, and continue to foster an authentic environment of listening and supporting? For me, it starts with asking God to refine my best qualities and support my gifts while I pause to make space for others in every circumstance. I can’t make the selling points of modern feminism my Gospel; I need to focus on Jesus and make his affirmation of my worth my anchor. With that foundation, I will be better able to discern how to stay bold, foster endurance, and aim high — while remaining a daughter.
Marissa Vonesh is a recent graduate from the University of Miami. She currently works as the lead graphic designer for Moment magazine in Washington, D.C. A native to Northern Arizona and adventure junkie, she is no stranger to hiking, spontaneous road trips, and midnight adoration sessions. Visit her work at marissavonesh.com, or connect with her on Instagram.