Letting Go of Perfectionism by Embracing Weakness

“I am struck by how sharing our weakness and difficulties is more nourishing to others than sharing our qualities and successes” (Jean Vanier).

Even before the age of Instagram, the impetus to present an idealized image of our lives to the world has been a pervasive temptation. Somewhere along the line, humanity bought into the lie that success and strength are products of independent self-reliance, rather than shared reliance on community. The more we buy into this lie, the more desperate the need to cover our wounds and hide our vulnerabilities becomes.

Perhaps this is one of the reasons for the growing isolation and anxiety our society experiences. We are not independent creatures, and we weren’t made to be.  As creatures made in the image of a Trinity, the image of love, we are made for relationship. The temptation to present a perfectly curated image of ourselves is nothing less than a rejection of that identity.

Authors Colleen Carroll Campbell and Shannon Evans have each recently published books that deal with perfectionism and embracing our common vulnerability. Both Catholic mothers and writers, these women share deeply from their own struggles to illustrate profound spiritual truths. I spoke with these authors about perfectionism, cultivating work/life balance, and hearing and following God’s call in their lives. Here are some of the highlights of our conversations:

On Seeing Work as a Calling

Both authors share deeply about themselves in their writing, offering spiritual insights to readers. Each of them sees her work as a unique call from God. How to put that in perspective? Campbell says that it all starts in prayer, the Sacraments, and scripture. “Keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus opens us up to things we never would have imagined for ourselves. For me, that means paying a lot more attention to what God is calling me to, and a lot less to what God is calling others to. Especially in this age of social media, it’s tempting. The gal next to us might be doing exactly what God has called her to and she might be called to amazing work, but it’s not our call.”

Evans agrees that understanding our calling requires a lot of inner work. “A calling is a thing that compels us to dig deep within ourselves to both commune with God and offer something helpful to those around us,” she says. But even when the work we do doesn’t feel spiritual, she recommends continuing openness to the divine within. After all, “the spiritual life is just as much about things like self-discipline, commitment to growth in a craft, and staying centered in times of boredom or frustration as it is about anything else. God is in all of those things too.”

On Dealing With Perfectionism

We all deal with an inner critic, and sometimes this critic serves us well. Campbell calls this part of us the “editor,” and we need this editor to present our creative work in its best light. It is when things get out of balance, when we let the editor trample the creator in us, that we need to take a step back and reframe.

We need to respect our own limits. “I can’t always give everything I’d like as well as I’d like,” Campell admits, “yet I can trust that if I’m giving God everything that I can to glorify him then he will take where I fall short and bless the world even in my shortcomings.”

When we tell the editor to take a backseat, we have more freedom, and we learn that mistakes are not the enemy. Instead, they become some of our most valuable learning experiences.

On Being Vulnerable

Evans emphasizes that an essential goal of any workplace should be the humanizing of its employees. One essential way to accomplish that goal is through vulnerability. “It is not easy to let your guard down in the workplace. Our modern society is built around efficiency, success, and ‘having it all together,’ and it feels risky to refuse to play that game. But bringing your whole self to the table does not mean airing your dirty laundry or going on emotional diatribes at work. Embracing our weakness means being open to identifying our places of need and how we’ve worn masks to cover them up. Once we’ve been honest with our own selves about what’s rumbling around in our hearts, we become free to create a culture of wholeness and authenticity in the workplace.”

On Discernment

When making a big decision, how do we prayerfully consider God’s will in our lives? Evans advises slowing down and paying attention. Talking through things with a spouse or friend helps provide clarity and empower you to say “no,” to be selective about where you give your time and energy.

Campbell recommends prayerfully using the Ignatian rules of discernment, a process she describes in her book. The process is ongoing, as she points out: “As long as we live and breathe, we are changing, our lives are changing, and we are called to respond to God in the change.”

Campbell also suggests letting go of the notion that we have to follow one specific path: “God sometimes calls us to a path that hasn’t been worn before, and our path is never going to look exactly like someone else’s. God is in the possibility and often the one calling us to take the risk.”

On Exercising Creativity

Work is a way of participating in God’s ongoing creation of the world. As Campbell put it, “All work has dignity. All authentic work is part of the work of God. Our creativity comes from God and what we do with it is our gift back to God.”

Evans agrees: “Being aware of our creative process heightens our awareness of our connection to God-in-all-things, and that always seems to make the world a more loving place — a bit closer to wholeness. The creative process is its own form of fertility.”

On Balancing Work and Motherhood

Evans and Campbell agree: Life is messy, and parenting requires an ever-changing shuffle to attend to all the needs of the present situation. Campbell affirms mothers who offer their gifts in the workplace: “God gives us the desire to contribute our gifts in the world. There is real value in bringing the feminine genius into the workplace. There is value in having a woman’s voice, gifts, and perspective in the world. It’s a great use of our gifts to bring that to the world.”

However, she argues, there is no one set rule or strategy as to how families are to do so.  She advises women to ask themselves, “How do I use my gifts in a way that amplifies and complements what I do at home as opposed to something that makes me feel torn?” Ultimately, she admits that some tension will always exist, because we cannot “have it all” this side of Heaven. The tension is not something to avoid or a clue that we are “doing it wrong” but rather a part of the human experience:

“We don’t have it all in this life. All is God’s domain. All is for heaven.”

Shannon Evans is the author of “Embracing Weakness: The Unlikely Secret to Changing the World.”

Colleen Carroll Campbell is the author of “The Heart of Perfection: How the Saints Taught Me to Trade My Dream of Perfect for God’s.”

Samantha Stephenson has master’s degrees in theology and bioethics. After eight years in the field of education, she shifted her career path to be more available to her husband and their two children. Currently, she works from home as an online course facilitator for the McGrath Institute for Church Life at Notre Dame and a freelance writer on themes of prayer, vocation and the Church. You can find her at snstephenson.com.